You're not sorry

Continued from Gravity

Lookin’ so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cuz its worked each time before

You're not sorry - Taylor Swift



'You found nothing?'

'Not a thing.'

Simon turned and looked at Jacob, his youngest grandson, Marthinus' only son, and tried not to look distressed. They had absolutely no information on the other pack that Hammerthynn had spoken about. The Vyusher R'asa. He wondered how close the two packs were with each other or if it was like the vampires and their clans. Respected boundaries, for the most part, but all very different from one another. Simon knew he should be talking to someone from Anantya, the oldest of their clans, but Tacharan was already walking a thin line.

With a sigh he looked back out of the window of Jacob's top floor office.

'Should we contact Anantya?' Jacob was as tall as Simon, but dark skinned like his mother. The woman had been picked specifically by Ellis, as had all of Simon's heirs. He tried not to let that stray thought bother him.

'I was just thinking that. Not sure how much that would help.'

'What about Evenhet's new contact, Kem'Raaisu?'

Simon nodded, that was a thought. Their previous conversation was more cryptic than anything. 'He didn't seem to have any inclination as to there being two packs. He just asked about Hammerthynn and the incident at the mall...'

There was a knock at the door that stopped him mid sentence. Turning he watched as the door opened quickly and a blond head poked in.

'Got a minute, Jacob?'

Jacob had been leaning against the front of his desk with his arms crossed, but when the blond opened the door and helped herself in, he pushed off the desk with a start.

'Uh, well Carol...'

Simon shut his eyes and winced.

'Uh, well Carol...'

'It'll just take a second.' Carol walked up to Jacob as he stood in front of his desk. 'It's about my schedule.'

She was still feeling absolutely elated about her day with Lothias. He was quickly turning into someone she wanted in her life, weirdly enough. Walking into Duibne usually put her in a disagreeable mood, but that evening she was practically walking on air.

'Yes, Carol could we...'

'I'm going to be switching to days from nights. I've been staying up all day and functioning on 2 hours of sleep is getting harder and harder. I'm not getting any younger, right?'

'Switching to days?'

'Yeah I've discovered I'm a daaaay persoooon.' She sang the last two words and laughed happily.

'Oh...'

'Actually it's more than that.'

'Carol...'

'I met...'

'Oh Carol...'

'...someone new and...'

Suddenly Carol realized that, not only was she rambling, but Jacob looked extremely uncomfortable. She watched Jacob close his eyes and exhale.

Slowly Carol looked down at the ground, then turned to face the east side windows of the office, and into Simon's face.

'Oh boy.'

Carol bust into the room in a flurry of blondness and sparkle. He had not seen her so animated and happy since...everything had changed. She was gushing about her schedule and chattering like a school girl, all the while Jacob was standing uncomfortably looking at Carol, but giving Simon a side glance. Taking a step forward, Simon opened his mouth when Carol dropped her bomb.

She had met someone.

The words, whatever they were, had died on his lips. He blinked, completely shocked, when Carol turned around and finally noticed him standing at the back corner of the office.

'Hello, Carol.' He managed that much. The last time he had seen her, she had run from the room crying. He had yet to even see Ellis because of that painful encounter with Carol. The least he could do was apologize, and had planned on doing just that, when she told Jacob she was seeing someone. That was good, he thought. She was moving on.

She moved on. Past tense.

'Jacob, could you give us a moment, please?'

'Of course.' Jacob took her hand and pat it gently.

'I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll go. It can wait.'

Carol pulled her hand away and turned toward the office doors, avoiding Simon's gaze. Quickly she walked with her head down and had her hand on the door knob when his hand came into her view, keeping the door shut.

Jacob came up beside her, and with a warm hand on her shoulder, exited out of the door, instead of her. Simon closed it gently, but she refused to look up at him. In fact, she took three steps back away from him. Was there something she should say, she wondered? Apologize? Why, why should she apologize for moving on with her life? She hadn't meant for him to hear about it this way, but he'd hear about it eventually.

Without looking at him, she wiped her hands on the front of her pale lavender shift.

Simon felt his throat tighten with pain with each step she took away from him. She wouldn't even look at him. He reached out to lift her chin so she'd look him in the eyes when she flinched back. His hand stopped as Carol took another three steps back and began to silently cry.

'I'm sor...' That was all he was able to get out before she interrupted him with a flurry of tears and a hard, yet quivering voice.

'You're not sorry, Simon.'

Carol finally looked up at him. It broke her heart to see his stunned look, as if she had slapped him hard across the face.

'Don't say you're sorry, Simon. I don't believe you, not like I would have before. You chose her. Not me.' The tears streamed down her face as she finally said what she should have said when he first showed up with Ellis back during the zombie incident. Almost two years already.

'I thought I could have been enough for you. I could have loved you my entire life. I would have given you my life. But you chose her.' Shaking her head, she actually felt a laugh bubble up her throat. 'I told you I couldn't compete with fifteen hundred years of you worshiping her. It would have always been something bringing you back to her. Probably even in death. You chose her.'

Carol wiped her tears away as the courage in her began to grow. 'There is nothing she could ever do to you to ever let her go. You'd happily drown in her love or whatever you call it. I know that now. I should have known that back then, but back then I loved you. But you chose her. Not me.'

With her head held high, she pushed past Simon and opened the door.

'Not me. But that's ok, because I don't chose you.'

And with that, she left.

Simon didn't move as she pushed past him.

'Not me. But that's ok, because I don't chose you.'

The door closed gently behind him. It occurred to him, just then, that his love with and for Carol had been that bright light in an otherwise dark and horrible existence. And as bright as it was, it burned out just as quickly. Two years they were together, a year after Ellis resurfaced. Did he fall in love with Carol to take up the void that Ellis had left in him? Did he use Carol's love?

Did he ever deserve it?

Simon reached up and ran his hands over his mouth. He backed up against the wall, falling into the chair behind him clumsily. Everything he was feeling, all the conflicting emotions that he had for Carol, he had for Ellis. How could he love Ellis, after what she had done? After what he had done? How could he not love Ellis?

Whoever Carol had, Simon silently hoped that he loved her half as much as he did, but treat her a thousand times better. She was gone.

The only thing left was an echo of a perfect love that went horribly wrong.

((Simon and Carol out))